I maybe allowing this blog to get a little more personal than I originally intended. Still when you write every day, it becomes difficult to separate things.
About five years ago, I was dealing with a couple of people that seemed to live only to make my life miserable. To say I hated these people would have been an understatement.
You may already know this fact but I will share it any way. When you hate someone, ninety-nine percent of the time, they either don’t know it or don’t care. In my case it was the don’t care that applied. In fact, these two prided their selves on the fact of how many people they had hurt to the point that it caused hate.
In the middle of this hate game, I had done something that had nothing to do with either of these guys. Still it had pricked my heart to the point that I felt if I didn’t get some forgiveness from God I was simply going to go crazy.
After being dealt with about this matter, I set down one day and wrote Him a letter. My logic was simple. He wrote me a book the least I could do was write him a letter. Like most things, I kept it. I have decided to share it today. If it resembles you in any way, please feel free to claim it.
I thought I would drop you a note to let you know how things turned out with my problem.
I am sure you remember my prayer from a few mornings ago. I hadn’t slept at all the night before. I awoke early that morning. Rolled out of bed and got on my knees hoping you would give me a quick and easy round of forgiveness. You had other plans. My heart was aching and I needed you to forgive me so bad. I was actually crying when I ask for your mercy.
When you choose to ignore my plea, I got up and walked out into the woods.
I must have walked and prayed for an hour. Finally, I found a quite place and got on my knees before you. I was going to get your attention one way or the other.
I am sure you heard me when I moaned, “Oh King, please hear my cry. I must have forgiveness this morning.” I was putting my best religious prayer on the line. I had been thinking about it since I had started my walk. You seemed to have elected to ignore it. It didn’t impress you much but I thought it sounded pretty good at the time.
A little later, I sat on my deck and cried from the depth of my soul.
There was nothing religious about that prayer. I was partly begging and partly demanding at the same time. In a word, I was desperate.
I guess you had heard enough by then, because you finally spoke. Your words echoed through me like thunder. I will never forget them.
“Get up and stop worrying me about forgiveness and start forgiving those you hate so bad.”
A river of fear began to flow over me. When the last waves crest upon my heart, they were replaced by burning rage.
I hope I didn’t make you too mad when I screamed, “How could you demand such a thing from me?”
I am glad the neighbor didn’t have her window open. She would have thought I was crazy. The truth is I most likely was at that moment.
If you allow me to live to be a hundred, I will never forget the cold silence that followed.
I angrily stood up and went to the shower, thinking, “I thought you were good and light and grace. I don’t see any of that in you today. While you’re at it why don’t you go ahead and pronounce my death sentence.
I’ll tell you when I will forgive them. When hell freezes over.”
That was when you said so softly. “Have it your way I’m not in a hurry. In fact I will judge you with the same kindness you judge them with.”
I was so mad at the time I wanted to scream, “You hate me don’t you.”
That’s when you spoke again. This time a little clearer, “Go ahead and say it. I know what you are thinking any way.”
As you know, I wrestled with that mess all day. I hardly got any work done. Then that night I got on my knees again. This time by my bed and with my teeth grinding I said, “Please, Lord bless them both. Bless them and forgive them.”
I didn’t mean much of what I asked you that night. I prayed it again the next day and all through that day and I have been praying it ever since. I am no longer gritting my teeth and yes I am beginning to actually want you to forgive and bless them.
Yes, Lord I do feel you blessing and forgiving me as I bless and forgive them.
I just wanted to write and say that I was sorry for acting like such an ass. I don’t know how you put up with such a spoiled brat but I sure am glad you do.
I love you bunches just as I did when I was little and I hope you have a great day.